For Beatrice, my Buddy

It feels so real and so solid. Is it something I can trust? Count on? Is this an appropriate source of it?

Here I am again, looking for you online. Desperate? Somewhat. Compulsive? Not yet. Maybe soon.

Dammit, I want to exchange energy with you. I can easily live without having sex with you, but there is something you can give me that....can I live happily without it? Like ballast; feeling your love, feeling you hold me gives me balance. I can feel something righting itself when I'm close to you like that.

Is it really you? Am I projecting onto you? I don't know. I can't tell. I'm confused. Is it safe for me to lean on you? I want so much to.

But even if you didn't give me that, I still want to BE WITH you somehow. I was re-reading our treehouse and I thought "how nice it would be to have a space like that." We could start a tribe. I'm not sure what the point would be exactly, but....!

Maybe we can keep it? It would make more sense on tribe.
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Back to exchanging energy....

I liked kissing you. It wasn’t sexy; it didn’t turn me on (though that might have been a matter of calibration. Most of the cuddling I didn’t interpret as sexy either, but after you left it was pretty clear that--on a physiological level at least—I *was* turned on. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing; the vibe wasn’t erotic and I didn’t feel the need to make it so). It just seemed like the next logical step; instead of kissing “inanimate” parts of each other, to kiss collaboratively: kissing as a form of communication, or just an extension of our other ways of showing affection i.e. hugging, cuddling.

I was a little sad last night, thinking of things we'll never get to do together. For some reason one of those things was being naked in bed together, and me looking over your body, maybe seeing where you'd cut yourself. Weird, huh?

I really am glad you and your wife are getting along. You guys do look cute together, and I'm happy for you that you have someone you can be close to like that.

Somehow I seem to have romantic feelings for you, but not sexual feelings at the moment. I guess that's an improvement (though this is what I said 12/14, also). I keep thinking of things I might want to use on a valentine for you, but of course they would all be inappropriate.

Your post on the Depression board, which I have vowed never again to visit:

December 30, 2003 - 10:19 AM new
Re: It's 12/30 ...


I'm on a nasty bummer today. Not sure why.

I'm debating taking another day off or going into work. It'd be kind of useless to go in; but I probably should do it. There are things I could be doing.

Didn't sleep well. Held my wife tightly. Thought about my buddy all night, missing her. Worried about my best friend who will be going through a very complicated break-up when she gets back from visiting her folks today.

Supposedly love is the ultimate good. So why does it cause such pain?

You know, for the most part the last couple of days I have been in a very good buddy-space regarding our relationship. I am happy to have you as a friend and don't yearn for anything more. Sure, I felt the need to pull back a little, but that worked itself out before I had to say anything about it. I feel like in a sense I've flushed you out of my system-- not the real you, who is my friend, but the imaginary, projected you towards whom I was limerent. Was going to say something else, but I've forgotten. Oh yeah, I should remember I'm at the top of my cycle and not get overconfident. Just noticed weird html stuff going on here. uh-oh.

god, that picture you have of yourself is so hot. very intense.
By the way, do you have any idea how adorable you are when you bust up laughing?

So being able to wake up one morning inexplicably wanting to carve "LOSER!" into my forehead and then a week later, post-Effexor, feeling like I could outrun Jerry Rice in the post is a bit unsettling.

Buddy don't hurt yourself. Don't bring a blade anywhere near your body. I want to say "because it's mine--because it's special to me."

Why does it feel so amazing when you touch me? You didn't know my head was such an erogenous zone, I guess. I would probably roll over for anyone who rubbed my head the right way, but then again there aren't that many people I would let touch my head in the first place. But it's not a sex thing; I just feel warm all over. Same way when I got to just watch you laugh. Warm all over.

This is so crazy, buddy! Every part of me today was reaching out to find you; I was extending invisible tendrils toward you. I think I would have been happy just to say "Hey, how's it going, pal? How was your day?" Even though I can (and have) find the answers to those questions easily, it's not as satisfying as if you had directly contacted me (I kept checking in case you did, but good for you! you didn't.) It seems dumb, though, that I should have to restrain myself from "Hi, how are you?" Maybe soon buddy. Signs are positive now, aren't they? I'm less compulsive, you're stabilizing, seems like you and your wife are reaching some understandings.....

I want to hang out with you! I want to not feel weird about asking for a hug, or for just taking one. I want to let you play with my hair and I want to play with yours and I want to be able to snuggle just a little as we watch a movie together.
And I want to talk to you!!!! And tell you how much I care about you. Or really what I want to do is bake it into a cake and send you the cake. It would have a cream filling: light but satisfying, sweet but not overly so. Nice with a cup of coffee.

I dreamed of you last night and a few nights ago also. Last night somehow you were meeting my parents (but not *that* way) and I wanted to make sure you didn't leave without saying goodbye to me. In the other dream, I think we held hands.

I think I don't have sexual feelings for you anymore, but I do want to be in contact with you: both virtual and physical.