For Beatrice, my Buddy

You know, for the most part the last couple of days I have been in a very good buddy-space regarding our relationship. I am happy to have you as a friend and don't yearn for anything more. Sure, I felt the need to pull back a little, but that worked itself out before I had to say anything about it. I feel like in a sense I've flushed you out of my system-- not the real you, who is my friend, but the imaginary, projected you towards whom I was limerent. Was going to say something else, but I've forgotten. Oh yeah, I should remember I'm at the top of my cycle and not get overconfident. Just noticed weird html stuff going on here. uh-oh.

god, that picture you have of yourself is so hot. very intense.
By the way, do you have any idea how adorable you are when you bust up laughing?

So being able to wake up one morning inexplicably wanting to carve "LOSER!" into my forehead and then a week later, post-Effexor, feeling like I could outrun Jerry Rice in the post is a bit unsettling.

Buddy don't hurt yourself. Don't bring a blade anywhere near your body. I want to say "because it's mine--because it's special to me."

Why does it feel so amazing when you touch me? You didn't know my head was such an erogenous zone, I guess. I would probably roll over for anyone who rubbed my head the right way, but then again there aren't that many people I would let touch my head in the first place. But it's not a sex thing; I just feel warm all over. Same way when I got to just watch you laugh. Warm all over.

This is so crazy, buddy! Every part of me today was reaching out to find you; I was extending invisible tendrils toward you. I think I would have been happy just to say "Hey, how's it going, pal? How was your day?" Even though I can (and have) find the answers to those questions easily, it's not as satisfying as if you had directly contacted me (I kept checking in case you did, but good for you! you didn't.) It seems dumb, though, that I should have to restrain myself from "Hi, how are you?" Maybe soon buddy. Signs are positive now, aren't they? I'm less compulsive, you're stabilizing, seems like you and your wife are reaching some understandings.....

I want to hang out with you! I want to not feel weird about asking for a hug, or for just taking one. I want to let you play with my hair and I want to play with yours and I want to be able to snuggle just a little as we watch a movie together.
And I want to talk to you!!!! And tell you how much I care about you. Or really what I want to do is bake it into a cake and send you the cake. It would have a cream filling: light but satisfying, sweet but not overly so. Nice with a cup of coffee.

I dreamed of you last night and a few nights ago also. Last night somehow you were meeting my parents (but not *that* way) and I wanted to make sure you didn't leave without saying goodbye to me. In the other dream, I think we held hands.

I think I don't have sexual feelings for you anymore, but I do want to be in contact with you: both virtual and physical.

Yikes about the depression and side-effects. I hope YOU'RE going to be ok.

I think it's a bad idea for me to go into a lot of detail at this point, but a couple of things:
1. In terms of responsibility, keep in mind that as much as happened couldn't have happened without the efforts of two adults. I take 50% of the blame (no more, no less). Having said that, a good hard look can be helpful. I'm starting to get into some of that stuff for me w/my shrink.

2. Betty Berzon answered my letter some weeks ago. You can see it on PlanetOut under "Romance and Dating" in the "Love Letters" archive; the lead letter is "I'm competing with his mom."

One thing she said was similar to what my therapist said:
[quote] Just because we are in committed relationships, we do not become immune to being attracted to other people. What matters is what we do, or don't do, about it. The idea of a commitment is just that, a "commitment" to each other to forgo acting on attractions outside the relationship.

Jealousy. That's a new one for me. You have 9 friends, up from 6, last time i checked, up from 3 before that. Good for you. But when I first saw it I had such twinges! I don't even have those for my girlfriend when she tells me how hot she thinks someone is. And that Susan girl--in my gut I was afraid she would take my place, while I'm here, gagged as it were, but listening where I shouldn't be. In my head I know it's no big deal. I should be out there making new friends too, but I have to figure out how many layers of privacy I want and how to set them up and what names to use.

Tomorrow is the day! I have been looking forward to it a bit, and I think I know more or less what I want to say, but I should post it here so I don't forget but there's no time for that now.